Empathy is Leadership in Action
I was recently talking with someone who is so overwhelmed by the requests for empathy coming from people in her life, on social media, and the world in general, that she said, “I’m done. I literally cannot feel any more empathy for anyone else. I’m the one who needs the empathy from others.”
Listen, there’s no such thing as a person with unlimited empathy. Empathy without boundaries is a recipe for disaster. And if you are always giving empathy but never receiving it, then, of course, you’re going to get overwhelmed.
The more we got into it, the more she realized she had no energy left to hold space for others, or “feeling empathy,” but she had all kinds of energy for the “let’s do something about it,” aka Action Empathy.
Empathy is almost exclusively associated with “feeling with” people. But there are 2 other aspects of empathy that are just as important: understanding and action.
Understanding is the cognitive aspect of empathy; this is your ability to understand why someone is feeling they way they are, even if you have no experience with that situation. A great example is listening to a colleague who has experienced yet another microaggression, which put her over the limit for today. You may not have experienced these microaggressions because they don’t apply to you, but you can completely understand why she’s so upset.
Action is the altruistic aspect of empathy; this is your ability to do something to help that person, even if there’s no direct benefit for you. A great example is working on a career progression plan with one of your team members. He has been sharing his anxiety about AI and doesn’t know how to navigate the next five years, so you help him figure it out, even if it means helping him to find a different job.
Finally, feeling with is the emotional aspect of empathy, and it’s the one you know already. But here’s something you may have overlooked - Empathy without boundaries is a recipe for disaster. The downsides of empathy: bad actors can more easily take advantage of you, empathy fatigue and emotional overwhelm are more common, and people tend to expect you to fix their problems since you’re such a great listener.
So when McKinsey named empathy as one of the 3 Core Skills that AI will not be able to replace, it’s not just feeling with your team members that you need to develop. In fact, feeling with may be something you already do too much of. Instead, think about developing Action Empathy. Focusing on action will drain fewer of your emotional resources, make your team feel more empowered, and encourage people to get themselves unstuck.
Final note here: DO NOT take all the Action FOR your team members. Empathy is is Action WITH your team.
Leaders, start building your Action Empathy with these simple exercises:
The next time your team member shares a challenge with you, rather than assuming you need to take it from them, say instead, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I think you’re feeling _______, did I get that right? What is one thing we can do together that will alleviate that for you, even a little bit?”
Share resources and knowledge. Especially now, when Change Fatigue is at an all-time high, it can be incredibly powerful to acknowledge the situation and build a group resource document that everyone can draw from. Start by asking everyone to contribute “one thing that is bringing you joy today.” Books, a nearby park, a TedTalk, a particular comedian; literally anything.
Say “No” when you need to. It’s ok to tell your team member that you want to be fully present for the conversation, but you cannot do that in this moment, and so you will call when you have the capacity. Honor your boundaries and rely on the trust you have built with your team to bridge the gap between this moment of overwhelm and the time when you do have the space. Before you begin the workday (and sometimes at the end of the workday, too), say this mantra or even write it down: “I am fiercely protective of my team because I care about them. But I also care about ME, so I will enforce my boundaries.”
You got this! Give these a try and tell me how it’s going for you in the comments below.