How this journey started, and how it’s going three years later.
July 19, 2023
I started this anti-racism journey because I want to be a better human. Maybe because I’ve had so many experiences with humans trying and failing to overcome their traumas…and in their failing, have exacerbated my own. I was lucky enough to be thrown into the therapy pool as a child (come on in, the water is warm and full of revelations), so I honestly KNOW that I can change my own shit that causes me pain.
How My Anti-Racism Journey Started
Starting this journey, I knew there was so much I simply did not know. For the first year, I was continuously surprised at how much I was being lied to! So many ideas about myself, America, and race in general are in service of the über lie of white supremacy.
To be honest, I was PISSED OFF about how much I had been lied to. I’ve experienced a lot of gaslighting in my personal life, so it’s a trigger. This was like waking up one day to find that the entire world has been gaslighting me. I wanted to blame someone so I could feel the righteousness of punishing the culprit. Only to then realize that I was as complicit as anyone since I never questioned the lies in the first place. It was all fuel to keep me going! A prolonged commitment to a cause must come from some need beyond great vengeance and furious anger.
I found my fuel in the need to break the patterns of pain; I refuse to consciously be the source of pain for anyone. The legacy I choose to leave behind is one of healing. I choose this work because changing myself is the only way I can possibly move into the healing space.
How It’s Going
I’m at three years and still going strong! I no longer get angry about the lies so I can move faster and go deeper. Whenever I find another thing to unpack, my reaction is like, “Huh, there it is again! Ok, how does dismantling this idea reshape my understanding of _____?”
I process it and turn that new knowledge into corrective action. As I build a business, I’m working with the amazing Alyssa Hall, an Anti-Racist Business Coach, who is helping me evaluate my programs for equity & inclusivity and is helping me strengthen my anti-fragility skills too.
This is truly a life-long unlearning process! When I start to feel defeated, I remind myself of this quote:
“To grow up in America is to grow up, and for racist ideas to constantly be rained on your head and you have no umbrella. And you don’t even know that you’re wet with those racist ideas, because the racist ideas themselves cause you to imagine that you’re dry.”
-Dr. Ibram X. Kendi
When You DO Eff Up
The more I unlearn, I hope to f*(& up less and less over time! But, when it inevitably does happen, my job is to do better next time. The steps are:
- Listen. If the person I’ve harmed is willing to share, then I must always honor their courage. Listen with empathy and always acknowledge my culpability.
- Learn. This is an opportunity to grow! What should I have done differently?
- Be Accountable. The harm I’ve caused will always matter more than my intentions. Apologize! Then, follow the apology by showing that I understand the mistake and commit to doing better.
- Do Better. Hold myself accountable for not repeating the mistake.
This is the fourth in a series about My Anti-Racism Journey. Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
