“This happens all the time and I just get so frustrated! They don’t listen to me and then when things go wrong, they just expect me to pick up the pieces. I do everything right, but this keeps happening.”
–Exasperated in Sunnyvale
When you notice a pattern in your life (work, home, anywhere), where other people are treating you like you are insignificant or that your expertise is insufficient, it’s pretty common to feel defeated or helpless.
Blame is everyone’s favorite get-out-of-emotional jail-free card. Whoo, sometimes it feels so good to shift the onus to someone else! Insignificance and insecurity start to evaporate when you angrily pinpoint their shortcomings.
Unfortunately, blame resolves nothing, so the same thing will keep happening again. Next time, teach them, don’t blame them.
Blame is Armor.
I’ve come to think about blame as a kind of armor. When wounded, we grasp for protection and comfort. “It’s not my fault” armor. “They never listen” armor. “I did nothing wrong” armor.
But this armor is a false comfort. It isn’t making you stronger. It doesn’t stop the harm, nor are there consequences for the person who has harmed you. It’s almost certain that they will harm you again.
Worse yet, it makes you powerless. Armor locks you into a fixed state, where you can do nothing but take the hits and try to dull the pain. Wouldn’t you rather hold the power?
Reset Your Reaction.
Since this is a pattern, you can dismantle and reset it. Take a moment and think of a time where “_____ happened again!”
- Immediately after, what were you feeling? Be specific, e.g. “I felt demeaned.”
- What is the story you are/were telling yourself about the situation? What are you making it mean?
- Do they know that you are/were upset and why? Hint: they probably don’t know the story or what it means to you.
- If they came to know or understand your perspective, how would they treat you differently?
Liquid and Solid Boundaries.
Let me be absolutely clear: you are not responsible for their actions. It is not your job to teach them about your entire gender, race, culture, etc.
The only person capable of setting and enforcing your boundaries is you.
Think of boundaries as the borders of acceptable treatment. You will have liquid boundaries in some areas and solid boundaries in others. My default instinct is to help others, so my boundary on workload has always been liquid until I am drowning – it becomes solid pretty quickly in that state.
On the other hand, I have baggage around feeling less-than, so my boundary on being condescended to is solid; absolutely never acceptable.
Go back to what you were feeling and why:
- What boundary was crossed? Be specific; is it a liquid or solid one?
- Have you ever enforced that boundary? Have you enforced it with that person?
Teach People How to Treat You
Enforcing your boundaries takes practice until it feels like second nature, but don’t let your discomfort stop you from doing it. After all, your boundaries are what keep you safe, not the armor you’re using today.
A few tips:
- Don’t apologize. You may need to provide context for them to understand, but apologizing makes it seem like you’re ashamed of your boundary.
- Be clear on what they can do differently. They either didn’t know or didn’t care that they said something hurtful. I prefer to assume that they want to do better. Give them something to act on.
- Don’t be afraid of their reaction. Every time you let them treat you poorly, they believe you are comfortable with that treatment.
- **You may not have the luxury of practicing this tip! If your fear of their reaction is greater than the harm you would receive when they cross your boundaries again, then get the hell out of this relationship, situation, or job if at all possible.
Teaching a liquid boundary: “I can see that you are disappointed. Normally I would say yes and take on this project, but I am over capacity already. I might have more bandwidth in 3-4 weeks, but I cannot drop other commitments to take this on today.”
Teaching a solid boundary: “You may not be aware of this, but your tone is coming across as if you think I’m not capable of understanding. While I might not know as much as you in this particular area, I am an intelligent person. I don’t think you were intentionally communicating that, so let’s try again, this time as if you’re talking to one of your buddies.”
Done well, teaching them your boundaries will actually earn their respect!!
Help them see that you are human, too. Your vulnerability and strength will invite them to show the same. We are like trees in one massive forest; the health of one is dependent on the others, too.
