When I first become aware of my own White Fragility by identifying it in my relative.

July 9, 2021

This is Part II of a four-part series about a Family’s Journey to Become Anti-Racists.

Seeing myself in the face of a relative is a rare experience for me. Maybe that’s why I have such a strong reaction to seeing my personality, if not my face, reflected back at me in Ed.

We share strong confidence, a joy of teaching others, a need to be useful, a full-bellied laugh, and a tendency for self-flagellation for our failures. My relationship with Ed is loving and strong, but not close.

I deeply regret that while we are so alike, we don’t know how to confide in each other. My best theory is because of that unfortunate tendency for self-flagellation that we share, we see our own failings reflected in each other, and it sets off a chain reaction of shame and shunning.

One month into our family anti-racism discussion, Ed spoke his mind for the first time. He was uncomfortable with the conclusion of the article we’ve just read, and he shared his thoughts. “This is just blown out of proportion. I don’t think that one school’s experience means that every kid in America is experiencing this kind of racism.”

Confronting My Own White Fragility

If you are white, no matter where you are on your journey to dismantle white supremacy, you’ve probably had a similar thought. I learned that white people’s most common reaction to learning about experiences of racism and systemic racism is to reject, deflect, and defend, commonly referred to as white fragility.

Since white people aren’t on the receiving end of racism, it’s more comfortable to reject it. We are horrified by the harm it causes, so we deflect rather than feeling the burden of that pain. We don’t want to be blamed for it, so we defend our actions and thoughts, usually by saying, “I never meant what I said/did to be hurtful! I’m not racist!”

Ed’s challenge statement wasn’t a dramatic or stubborn overreaction; he was sharing his skepticism. But I almost said, “Racism is really this bad. Get over your white fragility.”

Both Ed and I enjoy being the person who “knows things”; the one who is correct. The awful downside is condescension as a means to maintain control of situations in times of stress.

What stopped me from pointing the finger: My initial reaction to the study results was also skeptical. I saw my white fragility reflected in Ed, which made me want to quell his. By the time we had our discussion about the article, I had worked through my rejection into acceptance of the study’s conclusion, which is that racism is so much worse in America than I ever knew.

Using curiosity questions and compassion, Ed eventually concluded that he didn’t disagree with the study’s results, but he wished for a bigger sample of Americans. In retrospect, I see that we moved out of rejection and into deflection, but it felt like it was a win at the time!

The Tide Turns

After two months of calm, if unsettled conversations, we moved into learnings about white privilege and LGBTQ+ intersectionality. For Angelica and Ed, our conservative faction, these trigger words crashed into white fragility and the result was rejection at best. Angelica pointedly reminded me that she needed to avoid political discussions. Dave kept his cool outwardly, Bree fumed openly, and I see-sawed between steamrolling and mediation.

It was mid-August 2020. The political temperature was already hot. Black Lives Matter and Defund the Police protests were going strong. Conservative news covered them as riots and violent extremism. Our anti-racism discussions were no longer calm or apolitical.

Then, Kenosha happened. Our discussion turned into a brawl over ideology, with rage and broken hearts…followed by an election cycle that nearly tore us apart.

In Part III, read about our descent into political polarization.