The WORST Recipe for a Holiday Feast:
Ingredients
- Holiday travelers
- Mulled whines
- Ice-brewed opinions
- Cooking (again)
- Cranky kids
Method
- Hold family members captive at the table for at least one hour.
- Add pandemic-induced anxiety to political polarization and whip until frothy.
- Drink a glass of wine every time someone says, “You just need to think for yourself!”
- When everyone is boiling over, walk away from the table.
After the 2020 election, I hoped that the political discussions would die in my family, but unfortunately, they are as virulent as ever. These three tips have helped me survive these contentious encounters and maintain my sanity!
1. Set Boundaries
Decide upfront what you will and will not engage in! When you’re passionate about politics, this is especially important because it will be difficult (if not impossible) to ignore the conversation when your uncle starts spouting his opinions.
When you start to feel disrespected, fall back to this statement:
“I know I won’t change your mind about this issue, and you won’t change mine. We can either have a curious & loving conversation, or I won’t engage on this topic.”
2. Empathy Through Curiosity
Conversations turn into arguments when opinions become ammunition to judge a person’s character. It’s easy to class someone with an opposing opinion as being “idiotic”, “crazy”, “immoral”, “just wrong”. If you genuinely think your relative is an immoral, awful person, then you can cut them out of your life. If they are a good person with opinions that you find harmful, take a step back from judging their character and lean into empathy for their feelings.
Tap into your curiosity: try to see their opinions as a window into a completely different worldview.
“Can you share a story about when that idea made sense to you?” or “How does this opinion reflect your values?”
3. Model Inclusion
Stop trying to “fix” them – you cannot force anyone else to change. Try accepting an opposing opinion as simply a difference, not a problem to solve. Polarization encourages us-vs-them thinking, but Democracy is about equality, regardless of differences.
Think inclusivity (all are equal), not assimilation (you will agree with me).
If you can’t let go of the need to change their mind, try to connect with them on common ground. Shared values, such as the importance of family, is a great place to start.
“I think we have different opinions because our experiences are different.”
or
“Can we talk about the values we share? I want to connect with you and I think maybe we can find common ground there. For example, family is one of my core values because _____. What about you?”
Always remember that abusive language and behavior are never acceptable, so maintain those boundaries.
You will survive this holiday! Take deep breaths and retreat to safety whenever you feel overwhelmed. All will be well.
