When political polarization tore us apart.

Part III of a series about one family’s journey to becoming anti-racists, with all of the white fragility you’d expect.

August 6, 2021

Angelica is a warrior.

She describes herself as an intercessor, one in the army of the children of God, dedicated to fighting against evil. Like so many of her fellow evangelicals, the 2020 election results left her feeling enraged at the outcome, contemptuous of liberals, and without faith in election integrity.

As a progressive liberal, I was incredibly relieved by the election results, feeling hopeful after what felt like four years of amoral chaos. I was alarmed by how the election fraud claims and calls for voter restrictions were gaining ground.

She represents one end of the political spectrum, with me at the other end. We are both passionate about our beliefs, but we completely disagree about almost everything political.

The most heartwrenching part of this experience is that, aside from these political differences, we have a warm and supportive relationship. I knew our relationship was eroding, but couldn’t let go of the politics.

By the end of winter 2021, I was experiencing panic attacks at the mere thought of talking to Angelica about any of it. Our opposing moral stances created a yawning chasm of disgust that was steadily sliding towards relationship-killing contempt.

It Started as a Simple Disagreement

In late August 2020, the shooting of Jacob Blake and the subsequent killings during the Kenosha protests were important topics for Angelica, Dave, Ed, Bree, and me to address in our anti-racism discussion. After all, the murder of George Floyd was the impetus for these weekly family discussions.

However, because Jacob Blake had a knife in his car, because his girlfriend called 911 to prevent him from kidnapping their son, because he had a warrant for his arrest, and finally because Kenosha police thanked white supremacists for helping them police the protests, we split along political lines and argued about it for most of the call.

“I keep thinking about the faces of the neighbors! They are all terrified of Blake,” said Angelica.

I rebutted, “I think they are terrified of the police, not Blake. How could that officer shoot him in the back with those babies in the car?”

“But he was reaching for a knife! And his girlfriend called 911 on him. And these rioters aren’t respecting his family’s wishes – they’re just violent,“ she replied.

I escalated, “Did that give this cop the right to shoot him seven times in the back?”

This argument never actually ended. It reached its apex around mid-January, when Angelica pronounced that the January 6th insurrection was a “false flag event, full of ANTIFA people.” I then spent 3 days compiling the facts of Trump’s attempted coup, using neutral news sources and his own tweets. Her response to this document was condescending and dismissive.

We Inhabit Wildly Different Realities

We live in echo chambers. There is no wiggle room in today’s opinions because we all believe we have the moral high ground against the other side and have millions of people who agree with us. But that is true for both Angelica and I. The news we consume, the stories and people we know are fundamentally opposed.

This isn’t news to anyone. But how do you navigate these issues when your political polarization is deeply affecting your family relationships?

I wish I had the magic fairy dust to solve this. I wish I could feel completely safe around her again. I wish that we could operate from a shared set of basic facts.

Since that last would only be possible in a bygone world without social media and personalized news apps, and I choose to keep her in my life, the only thing I can do is to practice things that alleviate my own stress. Boundaries, because you teach people how to treat you (so don’t forget to call it out when you feel unsafe). And self-awareness, to focus only on changing the things you can control.

Exit, Stage Left, Right, and Center

Ed left the discussion before November 2020. My read is that he wanted to learn a little about other people’s racism, but never wanted to confront his internalized racism. Self-awareness isn’t something I’ve ever seen Ed practice. So when the political polarization heated up, he said, “I’m OUT!”

After the fallout from the January 6 insurrection, we split our discussion in two. Bree’s relationship with Angelica was more deeply affected than mine, so she asked to have a separate call. From that point forward, Dave and I partnered up to read and discuss one book with Bree, and a separate one with Angelica.

When President Obama randomly came into the conversation, Angelica asserted her birther idea, and Dave rightfully asserted that this was a racist idea. She was unable to admit or even consider that fact. She sent a text the next day saying that she was “done for now”. It was late spring of 2021.

Finally, Bree decided to go back to work in the fall of 2021. As a working mom with three young children, a weekly commitment to reading and discussing felt overwhelming to her.

Dave and I Continue the Work

I am so eternally grateful for Dave, my partner in this work. We hold space for each other to process the feelings, push each other when we identify blind spots, and generally keep each engaged.

This is part III in a series on My Journey to Become Anti-Racist.