April 7, 2021
Ain’t no mountain high, ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough, baby.
-Marvin Gaye
There are people in your life that you would move mountains to reach when they are in a crisis. They call, you fly out the door.
If getting there requires you to cross the ROUS-infested fire swamp and defeat the evil 6-fingered man, when you finally arrive, are you supposed to just sit there and…listen?
It’s hard to be a sword-master when there are only emotions to slay.
You want to be a hero! You want to arrive on a gallant steed, shield ready, sword held high against the dragon!
Except, there’s no dragon to slay, no enemies to fight, there’s just your loved one’s emotional turmoil.
Our bodies have a physiological response to a crisis, whether it’s our own or when we are called to help someone we love. In most of our biological human existence, we were reacting to threats like predators or violence or natural disasters, so a physical adrenaline response is entirely appropriate.
But when your body doesn’t use that adrenaline to fight an opponent or swim across a river, the instinct for action is difficult to ignore. Calm, quiet, listening may feel impossible in that moment.
Of course, the person currently experiencing the crisis has adrenaline and emotions of their own to expel, so your adrenaline and their adrenaline can mix into a nasty brew of entangled frustration.
Get rid of the adrenaline before you walk through the door
Releasing your response to a crisis isn’t easy, but it is simple. Get mindful for a minute (or 5):
- Recognize that you are experiencing a response to a threat.
- Let go of your need to fix the situation. Use breathing exercises or meditation to clear your mind of the story.
- Get out of your head and into your body. The stress response is both mental and physical, so you’ll need to expel that adrenaline. Run, punch your couch, swear loudly, scream into a pillow, stretch and breathe.
Once you let the adrenaline go, your unconscious, lizard brain will feel safe and that will allow you to be a safe person for your loved one.
Heroes Listen.
Being a calm, open presence in the face of someone’s crisis can be heroic. Choosing to just be there, despite your instincts to fix it; to simply support your loved one as they solve their own challenge is maybe the most heroic thing you can do.
Walking in, without armor, without weapons, but with your heart wide open and arms full of confidence – that may be the key to unlock the warrior in your loved one. Allow them to be the hero in their own story. Try saying:
“I’m here with you; I believe in you. What do you need to get yourself out of this mess?”
Heroic people inspire others to be heroes.
